| this is my problem. |
[28 Aug 2003|06:18pm] |
- i still have no cable. which means no computer and no tv. which means that i have absolutely nothing to do once i get off work.
- i have no phone. which means that every source of communication i have with the outside world is gone. i can't talk to alex. i can't talk to my family. i feel alone.
- my job is stupid. period.
- i don't get to go see my brother for his birthday like i wanted. ashlie and i planned on it, but she just couldn't get off work. which makes me so sad. because i was really looking forward to it.
- we got a letter from our apartment complex telling us that we owe an insane amount of money because our gas bill never was switched into our name. and that they wont accept our rent until it's paid. so i had to ask shawna for the money. and i feel terrible because i don't like asking her for stuff.
- alex. i think tuesday was the first time in the whole five months that we've been together that i've actually questioned my feelings for him. i cannot believe how stupid i am for him, though. it's quite sick. it's just that we never see each other. and i like to create problems that aren't really there.
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[15 Aug 2003|10:21pm] |
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i am so bored.
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[12 Aug 2003|08:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cranky |
] |
| [ |
music |
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air: playground love. |
] |
my job is unbelievable. so, yesterday everyone finds out that the cook got a raise. of course this pisses off everyone i work with. because the whole daycare didn't get the raise... just the cook. all day everyone is being catty to her, except for me and three other girls i work with. i like the cook. she always has some fucked up story to tell. and she makes work a little more interesting. so then today, i hear about how much of a raise terri got. and everyone is flipping out even more. talking about walking out as soon as our supervisor got in. and talking about fucking going on strike. well, i decide that they are all stupid and that i'm not going to be joining them in their protest. instead, i go in and talk to terri. and then go take my kids outside. i'm out there for a while with my group and all of a sudden, like five people i work with come out with these fucking signs on their necks. made out of fucking cardboard, markers, and yarn. saying shit like "we don't get paid for our job", "we deserve a pay raise", "we have bills to pay... $6.50 is not enough". holy fuck. they go to the fucking fence and start doing some fucking chants. nobody would talk to me all day except to tell me that i was being a bitch. and i felt like i was back in high school. what's sad is, i work with a bunch of fucking middle age white trash bitches. and they're complaining about how they've fucking worked there for five or more years and haven't gotten a raise since they started. i can't imagine working there for even a year. and i definitely can't imagine supporting myself and kids on $6.50. seriously. it does pay shit money. but it's a fucking trashy daycare next to a damn trailer park... do you honestly think you're getting a fucking raise?
on a happier note: heather and i went to calltech to put in our applications today. i want a new job anyway. because i need to start saving my pennies for a car* and i need to pay off some fucking debts. i don't care where i fucking work anymore. i just can't stay at the daycare. i need to get the fuck out of that place.
after we went to calltech, we paid a surprise visit to see alex at work. i haven't seen him since friday. and i really haven't gotten to talk to him that much at all since then. so i wanted to see him and talk to him for even just a couple minutes. he's picking me up from work tomorrow so we can hang out.
i wish i had some money to go to bdubs. i'm starving to death.
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[10 Aug 2003|02:00pm] |
i hung out with ashlie for the first time in a while last night. we ended up over at ryan's to drink. we played some flip cup. i drank way too much superior and sprite remix. it was pretty fun for a while. but after a minute, all i wanted to do was come home and sleep in my bed. we piled a bunch of people in lindsey's car and left about 2:30am.
alex has to go into work at like 5pm to do inventory until like 2am. so i don't get to see him today. and i don't know his work schedule for the week yet. so i really don't know when i do get to see him.
me and erica are going to waffle house today. she kept talking about how she was craving some pecan waffles. and i love waffle house. so we decided to make it a date. she can eat her pecan waffles. and i can eat my steak and eggs. steak: medium rare. eggs: scrambled with cheese. hashbrowns: scattered, smothered, covered. with a vanilla coke to drink. mmm.
i finally got that new deadAIM so i could use the aliases. it was way too much work for something that is not that big of a deal. it took forever to get one that worked.
p.s. i found 75 porn videos on my computer today. all downloaded while my dad and brothers were here last month. one of them (meaning my dad) is a fucking pervert. he could have at least erased all that shit when he was done. gross.
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[09 Aug 2003|10:59am] |
i emailed my grandma to tell her i wasn't going to the family reunion on sunday. and i went ahead and told her that i'm a blonde again since my family is retarded about having blonde hair. this was her response:
I am glad to hear you are a blond again. I always figure what ever color nature gives you is the best one for you because the artist for nature is the greatest artist ever.
my family fucking makes me insane.
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| this is me with the words on the tip of my tongue. |
[06 Aug 2003|11:02am] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
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taking back sunday: timberwolves at new jersey |
] |
my week off from work has not been too shabby so far. i spent all of monday and monday night with shawna. we ate peanut butter/chocolate chip pancakes. watched way too much tv. and laid around for the entire day. alex came and picked me up around 1:30pm yesterday. and we spent the whole day together. we went up to tuttle and looked around. went back to his house and watched goodfellas. then to bdubs for wings. and back to my apartment to lock ourselves in my room for hours. and have be turn extremely emo and cry for about an hour for something completely retarded. after alex went home, i took the rock n roll electrical tape down since the apartment complex got pissed at us having it up. and told us they'd be out between 9am-5pm today to check and see if it was down.
the rest of the week should be good, too. shawna will be here in about an hour to pick me up. she's making me be her subject up at jeffrey park for two whole days of picture taking. friday is my little camping trip with a couple people i work with. and will be the first time i've been really drunk since the night i broke my hip peeing. after our long car trip home from lake erie when we wake up saturday, i don't really know what i'm doing. alex had said something about going somewhere with him. but he has to work until 9:30pm. so i don't know if we're still going. and shawna wants me to come up to her place for a little phase10 with my cousin, her husband, shawna, and some lasagna.
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[02 Aug 2003|06:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 giggly |
] |
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music |
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taking back sunday: you're so last summer |
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Disciplind (6:58:09 PM): youre like some horny creature from planet....horny
MindLessDev1L (6:58:15 PM): hehe.
MindLessDev1L (6:59:06 PM): i actually laughed out loud just then, travis.
MindLessDev1L (6:59:07 PM): nice job.
MindLessDev1L (6:59:09 PM): hehe.
Disciplind (6:59:11 PM): sweet
Disciplind (6:59:14 PM): you just
Disciplind (6:59:16 PM): LOL'ed
MindLessDev1L (6:59:20 PM): hehe.
MindLessDev1L (6:59:21 PM): yes.
Disciplind (6:59:32 PM): i reached out and touched you
Disciplind (6:59:36 PM): that makes me feel good
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| i want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk. |
[01 Aug 2003|04:33pm] |
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music |
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bright eyes: lover i don't have to love |
] |
i've tried updating this stupid thing for like a week now. but every single time i attempt it, livejournal is being a dick. and it all gets deleted in the process of posting. which pisses me off to no end.
this week has been stupid. nothing good has happened. i've been pissed off and depressed. and taking it out on everyone else.
ashlie did a lot of work in the apartment this week. some painting and slip covering. it looks pretty.
i took my emo out for his first dining experience at ocharleys last night after work. we went to cd warehouse and looked around. where i took some new stickers for the trash can. i made him watch the witches with me. and then we locked ourselves in my room for a really long time.
i just got home from work like 20 minutes ago. and now since i don't think i'm going to get to see alex tonight, i'm getting ready to head out with my sister. i don't know what we're doing yet. but i know i need to get some pins for the slip covers on the couch. and maybe i'll treat myself to some new nail polish.
when i get home, i'm cleaning my room. because it's cool to spend your friday night at home cleaning.
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| circle my heart in your's. |
[23 Jul 2003|08:58pm] |
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mood |
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 flirty |
] |
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music |
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embodyment: belly up |
] |
last night was very unexpected. i was supposed to go eat wings with heather and ashlie and get drunk. but heather was too sick to come out. and ashlie didn't have any money. so we went and bought our 311 tickets. and i got some bleach and black dye for my hair. half way through the bleaching/dying process, linzie and alan showed up. we drank a lot. linzie and alan took off around 11pm. lindsey and matt popped up. and then i talked my boyfriend for like two hours. and went to bed at like 2am.
when i woke up this morning my hair was finished, which i don't remember doing. i had a fucking gross purple bruise right on my hip bone, which i figured out was from falling into my toilet when i was trying to go pee. my bathroom and i were both covered in black hair dye. and i still felt drunk as hell. i ate a whole pack of crackers at work to try and settle my stomach. and still feel a little sick to my stomach. my fucking hair is fried. and eventhough the new colors are new and pretty, it looks like shit due to the fried-ness. heather told me about this swiss formula hair repair stuff. and i've had it one since i got home at like 5pm. i rinsed it out at one point to check up on it and it seemed to be getting a little better. so i piled more on and have decided not to rinse it out until i wake up tomorrow morning for work. but if anyone knows of anything else to make my hair smooth and nice again, let me know.
the 311 concert is tomorrow night at promowest. the weather has been super shitty. so i'm pretty nervous that we're going to get rained on. eventhough my weather bug says it's going to be pretty out. we'll see.
alex is supposed to be here soon. he's coming over after he gets off work. which is really unusual for him to do during the week. i'm not sure what made him want to come by and see me tonight. but i'm happy that he is.
i want to go to the zoo so bad. someone take me.
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| the drunken truth will come out. |
[23 Jul 2003|12:18am] |
i miss haning out with linzie. i was kind of thinking it was best to avoid her. but after seeing her tonight for the first time since march, i realized how much i missed her. we caught up on a lot of stuff. and she made me feel so much better about stuff.
i'm super trashed. 151 and ice101 have destroyed me tonight.
i <3 alex.
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[19 Jul 2003|12:33pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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nelly furtado: legend |
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last night: i worked until 4pm. and then came home and took a nap for a couple hours. i colored some of the stuff i'm working on for the bulletin board in my room at work. and then i got all prettied up for a night with my emo. we went to see pirates of the carribean. he had kept saying that he thought it looked stupid. but i was just so stuck on seeing it. because the previews look fucking awesome. and johnny depp looks very hot as a dirty drunken pirate. it was pretty funny, too. i enjoyed it. after the movie we came back here. and spent a couple hours in my room before he had to go home.
today: i'm about to get ready to go out with shawna. i guess we're going to do some running around. i think i'll have her cut up my hair while i'm out with her. and maybe i'll go ahead and let her bleach and dye it, too. eventhough i was planning on letting heather do it. after shawna drops me off i think i'm going out with alex. but i'm not sure yet. if we don't see each other tonight, i'm going to be mad. because last night was the first time i'd seen him all week. and i know that if i don't see him tonight i wont see him until next weekend. i hate his job.
tomorrow: me and ashlie will most likely end up spending a large chunk of the day together. she has to go out to eat with her family at like 3:30pm or something. and then we're going to akron to see dead poetic. i am not a fan. but ashlie loves them. and nobody seems to want to go with her. so i'm willing to shell out the $5 to go with her. i'm sure it wont be too bad.
monday: pay day. i'm going to piercology after work and getting my new plugs. a new ring for my tragus. possibly getting my other tragus pierced. and finally getting my nose double pierced. eventhough i have to get stupid studs until it's healed and can put in small little hoops. i need to buy my 311 and warped tour tickets.
tuesday: heather is going to come out to bdubs with me and ashlie. because she's never been there before. and tuesdays is 30cent wings. after that, she's going to come over and get drunk with me and ashlie. and possibly do my hair if i don't go ahead and do it today.
thursday: a nice bus ride down to promowest with ashlie. for a nice drunken 311 concert.
( he makes me feel )
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[15 Jul 2003|08:27pm] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
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music |
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a static lullaby: the shooting star that destroyed us |
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meaningless facts about my day:
- i can bitch at my supervisor about everything that i despise about my job and not get fired. in fact, i'll only be complimented on how great of an employee i am. and will be checked up on every five minutes just to make sure i don't need anything.
- i worked from 8am to 6pm. which makes two hours of overtime on a pay period that just started today.
- my sister is a complete moron. and broke her key off in her ignition.
- bdubs never gets old. chicken wings are my favorite.
- alex does not know how to acknowledge apologies. either that or he likes me to do whatever i can to get him to talk to me. even if that does mean having to walk up to the fucking pay phone and stand in the rain to talk to him. and then having to walk home 10 minutes in an even harsher rain. falling out of slippery flip flops.
- i have definitely lost weight.
- i hate my hair.
- i feel the need to clean my room. but not because i'm sick of it being a mess. i just want it to be prettier now that i have my monitor back. <3.
- my computer means far too much to me.
- when i wake up at 6am i have plenty of time to make myself look at least a little nice for work. which makes the people i work with compliment me on how pretty my eyes really are.
- my dad lied and did not buy me new glasses while he was here. which means that i get to do that once i get paid.
- my couch is very comfortable for napping.
- i wish i could pay my stupid phone bill.
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[15 Jul 2003|06:59am] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
] |
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music |
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the used: blue and yellow |
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i had a very restless night last night. tossing and turning. waking up only to think about something for far too long and having a terrible time drifting back into sleep.
today is tuesday. which means two things: #1 i have to find a ride home from work. #2 it's time for bdubs when ashlie gets home from work.
my next paycheck is going to be fantastic. it'll be about $400 that i can just spend. which means it's time for new piercings. and new plugs for my ears. and for shopping. and for new hair. and for concert tickets. it'll be nice.
alex doesn't work today. maybe he'll pick me up from work and come spend some time with me before bdubs.
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[15 Jul 2003|06:45am] |
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you have no idea how wrong you are.
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| a day at cedar point. |
[13 Jul 2003|03:56pm] |
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mood |
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hungry |
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music |
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ludacris: stick em up |
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time arrived: about 11am.
ride partner: ashlie.
number of rides rode: six. power tower. millenium force. top thrill dragster. raptor. mantis. corkscrew.
most rode ride: power tower. six times. dropped four. shot up two.
favorite ride for the day: top thrill dragster. which ashlie and i rode twice.
longest line: about two hours. top thrill dragster.
shortest line: no wait. power tower and corkscrew.
drinks bought: pepsi.
food bought: cheese fries. dipn dots. lemon ice.
time left: about 11:30pm.
best nap spot: some white castle parking lot on 23.
time got home: around 3:30am.
( stick 'em up bitch )
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[12 Jul 2003|12:22am] |
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mood |
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 nerdy |
] |
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music |
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poison the well: nerdy |
] |
i love thinking about you. and the way you make me feel.
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[11 Jul 2003|07:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hot |
] |
i am in a non-working mood. which i'm sure will come back to bite me in my ass when i see my next pay check. but since that's a check purely for blowing, i really don't care. i'm not going to get fired from a fucking day care. especially not when there was someone that just didn't show up for a fucking month. no call, no show every fucking day for a month. and my boss still let her come back. i suppose it's just too hard to find someone who is willing to work for $6.50 as a damn babysitter. so i have no worries.
i just want to sleep right now, but i can't. i had to set my alarm to call off and now i'm awake. not completely functional. so i'm hoping writiting will make ms sleepy.
tonight is the taproot concert at bogarts in cincinnati. i really want to go. especially since i spent the whole show throwing up last time. i just can't afford it right now because i lost a lot of money somehow. and if i go to taproot, then i can't go to cedar point tomorrow with my family. and eventhough i'll be going in just a few short weeks with ashlie because of warped tour, i know that they are leaving on sunday. and i need to spend some time with them before they go. i wonder if a.s.s. is still coming.
yesterday was my emo's birthday. he's finally a big kid. i bought him the new etid cd, a bunch of candy, and i made him this cute emo cd full of songs to boost his ego. we went to his house and he played the guitar forever. made me watch sealab. tried to take pictures of me. then we ate some wendys. sang a little happy birthday. alex opened his presents. me, alex, and his mom went to cd warehouse to take advantage of emo's discount on some dvds. we came back. watched stigmata. and then came back here. <3 all and all, it was a pretty good night.
i'm not sure what the plan is for tonight since there will be no taproot. hmm.
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[06 Jul 2003|10:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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cranky |
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music |
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poison the well: nerdy |
] |
camping was not such a good idea for last night. i ended up having to take off with kyle so we wouldn't get busted for underage consumption when the fucking sheriff was called. and got bitched at by my dad for letting kyle be in that kind of situation. we had to stand and wait for my dad to drive the hour and a half to pick us up. and found out this morning that ashlie, lindsey, tim, and jennifer all got arrested. if i would have stuck around, i would have gotten busted, too.
alex came to meet my family today. he ate dinner with us. and made me get him way too much ice cream. my cousin leigh-ann told me how much she liked him. which made me feel good. because nobody ever likes the people i like.
now i'm just waiting for alex and tyler to stop playing n64 so i can spend like 5 minutes alone with him before he has to go home.
his birthday is thursday. what should i get him?
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[05 Jul 2003|09:20am] |
i woke up way too early yesterday to a phone call from my dad. he said that he just had to run to my sister's real quick and he'd be over to take me and ashlie to my uncle phil's for my little family cookout. well, three hours later he finally showed up. which is usually how it goes because my dad is slow at everything.
we get to the cookout. eat some brats and cheesey potatoes. and just sit around with my dad since nobody else would talk to us. we left a little after 6pm because alex was going to be at the apartment at 7pm to pick me up to go to the fireworks. my little brothers and sister came with us. and it was about 35% fun. because giant pieces of debris fucking kept hitting us. about halfway through the fireworks, it started to storm. the wind kicked into high gear and everyone started leaving. fucking fireworks were blowing across the sky. and it was kind of scary. so we started back to the car. of course it started to ran. and alex had decided to park as far away as he possibly could so we wouldn't have to wait in all the traffic. which would have been nice if the fucking hurricane wouldn't have hit. we were soaked. make up was running down into my eyes. red dye from my hair was everywhere. no fun at all.
after the fireworks we came back here. tyler played some nintendo. tori went to bed. kyle played on the computer and then fell asleep on the couch. and me and alex locked ourselves in my room until he left at like midnight. my dad came over and we talked for a a minute and then i crashed.
tori left this morning to go to missouri. so it's just me and the boys here right now. they're playing mario cart. and i'm about to go destroy them at it. i think i'm just going to spend the day with them. and then at some point, go up to the campgrounds.
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[04 Jul 2003|10:46am] |
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words just cannot describe how perfect last night was. <3
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[03 Jul 2003|12:37am] |
i am in such a happy mood.
tomorrow is red white and boom. and it's just going to start a week of greatness.
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[01 Jul 2003|07:32am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
] |
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music |
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minus the bear: absinthe party at the fly honey warehouse |
] |
i went up to midgards last night with my emo and a.s.s.. the first two bands gave me a headache. and just made me want my hearing to cut out soo bad. but all the rest of the bands were really good. people were pretty crazy during from a second story window. and alex kept trying to protect me. but he was mostly trying to protect my boobs because he's a pervert. during like the last song for curl up and die, alex turned into some little sXe metal kid and decided to start his own little mosh pit. which was possibly the best thing i've ever seen him do. i've seen him do some funny shit. but never when anyone else is around. and i've definitely never seen him do something like that. it was pure entertainment.
stacie should be here any minute to take me to work. i want to stop at thorntons and get some caffiene. because this early morning bullshit is killing me. and so are my fucking wisdom teeth growing in.
my daddy and brothers will be here friday. i can't wait. i love the 4th of july... fireworks. good food. pretty food. my family. drinking. my friends. it's going to be good times.
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[30 Jun 2003|08:24am] |
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mood |
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 full |
] |
so today is my first day with the new schedule at work. i have to work 8am-4pm everyday now. but of course, it's almost 8:30am and i'm not there yet. because ashlie is crashed and can't get up or something. i called my work to tell them i was running late and got bitched at. i'm going to end up getting wrote up. which just sets the fucking tone for my day. i need to drive.
not to mention that i woke up to an email from brandon and don't know how to reply. do i really want to be friends with him again? or are things better the way they are now? distant. i always thought i needed him. as a friend. a boyfriend. whatever. but now i'm not sure. we've attempted "friendship" several times since everything fell apart between us. but it always ends the same way... brandon not showing up and me being way too disappointed. maybe we've both changed too much to pull off a decent friendship. and maybe i'm nervous that being friends with him is only going to make me think back on the bullshit that happened back in december. which will only put a strain on my relationship with alex, who i'm completely retarded for. maybe i don't want just another friend. maybe i want back brandon from before that night in august when everything got weird. and i don't think he's the same person anymore.
i have plenty to think about today at work. if i ever get there.
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| my mood analysis |
[29 Jun 2003|04:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 pessimistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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taproot: i |
] |
You are feeling really miserable at this time and you'd like to form a relationship with someone with whom you could really communicate. At the same time, whoever it may be, that special 'someone' must not conflict with your own belief system or ideals. This makes for tough going - but it would seem that the situation is only transitory. It will soon pass.
Being a likeable person you get on well with neighbors and friends. You don't need anything to 'Rock your boat'. You want to 'love' and to be loved'.
Enough is enough - but the problems never seem to stop. They never stop. You feel, and maybe you are right, that the problems seem to go on and on and you have indeed had more than your fair share of trials and tribulations. But to give you credit - you bounce back time and time again - you stick to your beliefs because deep down you have that inner knowledge, that 'belief' system that in the end, everything will turn out OK - and you are right -it will!
You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.
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[29 Jun 2003|11:17am] |
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last night was fucking good times.
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[27 Jun 2003|10:27am] |
i was supposed to be at work 27 minutes ago. but i can't wake ashlie up for anything. i've been trying for like 30 minutes now. and nothing.
alex came and picked me up from work yesterday. and then he beat me in some doctor mario and yoshi. usually he's the one who loses. but for whatever reason, i just couldn't play for shit last night. he couldn't stay as late as he normally does. but he waited around until around midnight so brian could meet him. because yesterday was brian's birthday. and he spent a lot of money on alcohol. and came over with his brothers around midnight to start drinking. we played kings. but since i don't drink beer, i had to drink blue hurricane. which was the worst idea i could have possibly had. i had already shared half of the first bottle with brian. and then ended up drinking most of the second bottle during kings. i can usually handle that much. but not within like 20 minutes. so i threw up. which is just fucking gross. and i spent the rest of my night in my bed. feeling like shit. and listening to minus the bear.
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